| no one like you | p-square |

I have been up to no good recently actually. My landlord is on my arse, but fret not, he is not doing what you gutteraded people are thinking. I went out and bought  a theme for head FIRST that cost the equivalent to three month’s rent and he is not amused. So for the moment i am climbing in through the back window and parking my car at the Police Station every evening.

He still insists that the fact that i have no money being irrelevant to his case. I have promised to pay him on a pro-rata basis but he thinks this idea ludicrous as it shall take about four years to recover his money. He claims, that he frankly does not have that much faith in me and instead was eyeing my television rather too keenly. To avoid joining Baz i shall be forced to sell something else to keep him off my back.

In other news:
There seems to be a case supporting my staunch support for the not having children campaign. I always thought that having children and raising them is not everyone’s forté and i have been finally vindicated:

It made perfect sense, that is, until a reviewer pointed out to me that the main effect of being a parent was very large and negative, slightly larger than the positive interaction effect. In essence, what the totality of my data analysis shows is that being a parent sucks, but it doesn’t suck as much if you are married. Or, conversely, it means that being married is great, but it’s not as great if you also have children. Of course, the question is: Why does being a parent suck? Why does parenthood make us unhappy? This does not make any evolutionary psychological sense at all.

Now all ye follow me and we shall lead happy prosperous lives in peace and harmony, dedicating all out time and affections on each other till death, cheating, irrational behaviour or whatever else sets us asunder.

Now please go read head FIRST.

Fuck that.

Get your arses over there before i allocate some of the leather off my shoe to said part!

Image source.

| forever | chris brown |

I have a twitter account.

I have a rejaw account.

I have a magazine.

I have a personal blog.

I have a friendfeed account which aggregates the shit above for your reading and hopefully, commenting pleasure.

Share your claims to fame.

“Why the heck are you not reading headFIRST?”

………………………..

Proceed to leave a comment here about why you do not.

…………………………

Then get your arse over there double time and get to reading!

| look after you | the fray |

Sadly this is the entire post. You could take a look at what the rock has been cooking on the other side though.

| superman | five for fighting |

Current stories at headFIRST:

Broiled Reproductive Equipment; No Longer an Urban Legend

Once upon a time I understand the men and women of this so-called human race were virile, fecund, lush of womb and testicle and procreated like their survival depended upon it, and it did, then. With time and such great effort where they copulated without a care or a thought to encumbrances due to an excessive abundance of resource, varied fare of receptacle and stick, and of bountiful provender and refreshment in fruit ripe or barely so, plucked with great abandon, cherries popped with the shout and pomp of uncorking of champagne bottles at a ball and they proceeded to choke the earth full of their mostly proscribed offspring.

How to Make Yourself Vastly Perceptible at a Wedding

It is rather difficult to be noticed at a wedding, of any kind, trust me I know. I am aware that there are a few brides who have the very same problem but today I am tackling the angle of you the standard garden variety guest who has been invited and coerced into paying for the wedding and coughing up a lung to purchase the couple a brand new apartment in the suburbs, fortunately not in your neighbourhood for surely that would have forced foreclosure on your own hovel.

No Country for Old Men Review. Are they really that old?

No Country for Old Men, adapted from Cormac McCarthy’s novel is a thriller directed by Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, starring Tommy Lee Jones Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin. It runs for 122 minutes and is Rated R for strong graphic violence and some language.

The Dark Knight Review. Has Batman Met His Match?

I was blown away by this fantastically good movie; it is as dark as it is intense. It has been a while since I had been to watch a movie on the big screen and I was not disappointed in The Dark Night, more like I was disappointed by the theatre that showed it, apparently they received a damaged copy and did not bother to return it for a replacement and showed it to the public in that format without alerting them that there was a problem with the sound in some sections of the film and would experience muffled sound on several scenes including some extremely critical parts of the movie. That was very irresponsible of them since they did lose credibility and more because all the people within earshot were grumbling rather loudly about the hiccups.

10 reasons why you should keep to the speed limit

Recently, I had opportunity to explore the merits of slow driving [this is, for the uninitiated, keeping religiously to the urban speed limit of 50 kph], which I found to be, including but not limited to:

1. Time to take a nap on your way to your destination.
I cannot name the number of times I have fallen asleep at the wheel, from boredom and long periods of inactivity as results from the low speeds. Good for catching up with lost sleep from when you slept at 4 am instead of your usual 9 pm bedtime. And surprisingly this was done without injury or loss of life or limb, or in any case bits of the car being knocked off!

Not here but a lot like it.

I took a trip into Central Province. I got lost, drove four hundred kilometres, in about four hours. That is all I shall say in the matter. It was fun though, four hundred kilometres of hard, fast driving, i had missed that tremendously.

And what was with all the policemen stopping me and searching my car and its contents at every roadblock? I posed this question to a chatty Sergeant and was told that i looked like a known terrorist they are currently hunting for, who happens to be responsible for the bombings of the American Embassies in Nairobi and Dar-es-Salaam ten years ago today. Fuck, seems like my lovely curly hair and beard has to go, and i need to get me sunburnt back to black!

I have been a veritable couch potato and in the process of writing a few million reviews of what I have watched, keep your eyes peeled for the fruits of my efforts.

A lovely day must be had by all. If i go missing kindly come looking for me in Guantanamo Bay.

| so far away | staind |

Photo thugged from here.

I have had people on my back who shall remain nameless, though I told her I prefer to be in front but indeed she pays me no heed and just does pretty much as she wishes, clamouring for a post, and me here having none to post, really. For those who are also complaining about navigation of headFIRST, i am in the process of shooting a tutorial [headFIRST for dummies] to using the magazine layout and its little intricacies.

I finally did catch quite a number of movies whose reviews shall shortly be up at headfirst and a disappointing watch of The Dark Night last night at the Nu-Metro theatre at The Junction Shopping centre where sound kept making an appearance on occasion when it was really not required, at points relevant to the plot of the movie all I could hear was rumbling and mumbling. Not good at all, and four hundred shilling out.

Do have a lovely evening people. Be sure to visit me there, since I do actually write better there, not here, see?

| you are my lady | luther vandross |

When I was growing up it was an anathema to show your wealth, bandying it about like a golden robe that all you meet should fall instantly to your feet prostrating their person before you in veneration of you and your wealth. This is not a diatribe against those haves, no it is about those who shall enjoy their wealth in the quiet reserved manner…

Renowned Blog Author Desktops. First Look!

Safaricom Broadband [Bambanet/Hotspot] Review

I have had a few problems with my ISP at home Africa Online so I decided to venture into the world of more mobile internet with Safaricom’s new Hot Spot/Broadband, powered by 3G. I will not use scientifically tried methods but will run you through my experience with it over the past two months I have enjoyed their services….

Commandments commandments everywhere, not a moment to fall into sin.

It has been too sombre as represented in the previous articles in this magazine and i have decided to throw a spanner in the works with this light article.

Teh Ten Commanments of Ceiling Cat

1. I iz Ceiling Cat

2. Ceiling Cat comz 1st….

And more. Click on the titles to go to the rest of the story in headFIRST. You may also RSS the feeds so that they are delivered straight to your reader fresh as soon as they are published.

Eleet.

So far headFIRST is already clocked its first one thousand hits, thank you for visiting, it just needs active participation which it seems is scary since so far we have had little to no contribution. What seems to be the trouble? Is there a technical problem? Loading issues? Please be forthright and do report any problems you have with the site and include screenshots of the problem inlcuding the time you encountered the error, the address is located in the contacts page of headFIRST.

RSS feeds are available from the site for subscription as well as a running RSS feed of the latest headlines from headFIRST is to be found on the left hand side column of this Blog.

In other news:

I wish to publish all your desktops, my dear commenters on the new magazine, all you need to do is email me a full resolution screenshot of your desktop, Apple Mac, Linux, or Windows, all welcome. I do submit one of mine, and i shall publish all of them in the fashion below on headFIRST with a link to your blog.

the intelligensia

There is a catch though, they have to be in by end of day tomorrow, Tuesday 21st July, 2008 so that they shall be up on the following day.

Do have a lovely evening.

To create a sceenshot:

Macintosh OS
mash down <shift + command + 3>

Windows
mash down <print screen> link to instructable.

Linux
really, if you do use a Linux flavour, what are you still doing reading these instructions?

Hop to it!

| sweet love ^ wahu |

I run my tongue along my upper lip, a mist of perspiration on the upper lip irritates my sensitive skin. She sits across from me, in my favourite armchair which she won in a brief scramble, my interests piqued more by the generous curves about and around her person jiggling a smidgen her lithe toned body, my heart skipping a beat as i watch her struggle against my half hearted efforts.

She responds by opening her mouth ever so slightly, curved luscious lips that have met mine countless times, and every time different, ever so slightly, better sweeter, knowingly familiar. She then proceeds to cock her head to the left, sweet alluring, her hair cascading over her left shoulder, innocent, a gasp escapes her lips when i switch to that cocky half smile and suggest that since she has been not been as forthcoming recently there are matters of such urgency that may need her explicit attention.

I shift in the chair to reduce attrition and to acclimatise, a less awkward position within my woollen boxers, as a struggle against the soft, pliable fabric, a protrusion which captures her keen attention. I part my legs, palms on my knees, an assertive overtly arrogant stance, study her not glazing over the fire mixed with an unhealthy dose of intense interest that arouses her and forces her to drop her gaze, grasping desperately for modesty, giving me time to study her a little more.

With each day she grows that tad more irresistible. Is it the new comfort i find with closeness? The intimacy we share? Not a secret between us. The easy intelligent banter which she delivers with the ease of a master. Fuck. I am turned on by intelligence, to a fault. Or is it the fact that i know that mentioning that that only we know about tips her over the edge? Is it because i know just where to touch, one touch that has her body beautifully convulsing in ripples of pleasure leaving her skin glowing with the mist from within? She is so fucking gorgeous i could eat her, then again i think not, just nibble, just so, there, right under her right breast. A chuckle escapes from my throat and she looks up into my eyes.

Shit. Those deep brown eyes, will be death of me someday, i will turn to look at her and never look back and drive right off a cliff, perhaps i already have. A smile pulls at the edges of those luscious lips as she enquires about leaving her suitably ample bottom by its lonesome in that armchair and pretends to make space on the seat. As she leans further to the left, a few ripples are triggered as her curvaceous breasts shift slightly to the left, beautiful silhouettes described by the unsteady light, the slight, short silk gown she is wearing revealing that she is not wearing underwear as i catch a glimpse of her, not sure this was at all unintentional.

A groan escapes from me as i rise slowly, the protuberance in my boxers unmistakable. She giggles. Instead of making me uncomfortable it empowers me and augments its turgidity. I lift her lightly from the couch and she lolls with no demurral in my arms as i sit back in the armchair she had previously occupied and place her across my lap facing me as my hands trace invisible lines along the sweet rivulets on her face and around her breast. We stare long and hard at each other as we listen to the crackle of the fire in the fireplace contemplating the magic for countless minutes.

She sighs and asks as she traces the laugh lines and the furrows in my forehead, where have you been, my prince? Looking for you, all over, i suggest, preparing for this very moment where time has no meaning. The world, not a thought in our mind. The cosy, easy intercourse blinding our senses to the crickets and frogs in the garden outside, the owl calling for its mate. She turns her head and buries her face in my neck in an embrace, sighs and kisses me long and passionately leaving me momentarily dazed. Honey, what is this? She asks with mock innocence as she traces her dainty fingers up my right leg up to its seam and finds……

| kama yule | q chillay |

I wish to introduce to you my first ever, for the first time in ….well….. whenever… headFirst. The first Web Magazine whose founder i do know, wait, there are others that i know but i do have vested in this one!

| leo | lenny |

Moving and setting up complex and singularly ponderous electrical equipment is a task for people who are specified to do it, yes, i am not one of them, i prefer to solve itsy bitsy logic problems and such. Fuck! My butt aches something fierce, i need to get back on my fitness regimen, i recall bending over just once, and this is the result? Growing old is a pain in entirely all the wrong places.

In other news:

Not unrelated too, good fitness = great sex, apparently being unfit tends to adversely affect your performance.

No wonder i have not had any calls for re-runs this might have something to do with me just lying there and getting winded after three seconds of action, one minute is being inordinately ambitious. Sigh.

| one minute man | missy elliot |

This weekend was one i decided to become….cultured. I decided to go watch a couple of plays by Festival of Creative Arts playing in the city centre, one at the Kenya National Theatre and the other at Alliance Francais. I did manage to catch Ola Rotimi’s Our Husband Has Gone Mad Again.

I shall not bother to offer a thorough review since i was more than impressed by the cast’s performance even with the niggling has accent, does not have accent, states that the actors went through, to a point where i gave up trying to understand what was being said, Iddi Achieng was disappointing in this instance because i think she took the accent to unfathomable heights and in her enthusiasm, communication sadly took a back seat.

I took a thousand shots and it was difficult to choose the few that i would use to take you through the play since i shall not be bothered to tell you the entire story. The short of it is that it is the story of Okwonko, his three wives and his quest for power, at least politically, with the new wife arriving unexpectedly, it was all up in the air.

Tables are turned as Sikira, his newest wife and her mother plot a bloodless coup and take over the State of Naija since Okwonko did not have the mettle nor charisma for leadership, that would happen when you try and employ military tactics in the strategy for winning a campaign, not a wise idea at all as evidenced in the play.

Do have a lovely week!

| lori swela | ayub ogada & uno |

In other news:

We have a new member of the family! Owing to the entirely malicious destruction of the illustrated Power Supply, by a freak surge, for the much loved and overused MacMini, The Intelligensia decided to beef up its arsenal and became the proud new owner of the current MacBook. Yes nothing after it like Pro or shit like that. I have to be living in my own house before i can spring that much money for a piece of kit, no matter how fucking hot it is, and to imagine i tested a MacBook Pro 17” before i took home the beauty i am introducing you to. I have a thing for petite, its a vicious pattern that i have been warned, will end in tears. Since i am not…compensating…for inadequacies, i am quite happy to be minimalist.

Taken out of its plastic wrapping…droool. Its a bloody good shot, if i do say so myself.

Specifications; oodles of powers. Lots of Gigahertzes and gigabytes, i understand that the more of them you have the quicker you can get the posts done and head over to funny stuff at lolcats among other unmentionable sites….

I wish i did the same for my mac mimi when i got it from the shop. I simply tore the packaging open, yanked out the computer, threw it out the window, unfortunately forgetting that the cabling was inside it and had to chase it down a few flights of stairs and wrestle the box from an irate caretaker who had been innocently been minding his own business attempting to read a past issue of readers digest when the missile, unannounced, glanced off his shiny head sending him scampering for safety under the nearest parked motor vehicle fearing the worst.

Smile for the camera, yesssss, a little to the left, chin up, there you go!

A little light reading, license bla bla…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!

The older, my Toshiba A200-130 on the left and the new extremely cuuuute MacBook on the right…

A little to the right….perfect!!

The obligatory shot of the Microsoft XP SP3 installation that i did on it to test the capabilities of Boot Camp. Mac and WIndows in perfect harmony….bleh!!! I shall delete that partition the instant i reboot into Mac OS X Leopard. It is so fucking fast in XP i got whiplash, see the neck brace? No?

I am spectacularly chuffed that it works splendidly in Leopard, somehow i could not stand the XP bit in my Macintosh, no fucking way, the sacrilege! Bloody Windows on my Mac? Really? Why? Answer that at your own risk, i shall not be responsible for heads lopped off in a blind rage.

Any offers on the Satellite, it has to go!

| come around | collie buddz |

| with you | chris brown |

I am bent for a touch of silliness once in a while no?

This one floored me.

Do not touches it. Its mine mine mine!

| the roof is on fire | bloodhound gang |

Say what you may but this ad cracked me up big time, long day notwithstanding. Brilliant.

| dada njoo | k-rupt |

In other news:

There is a place i would me most welcome, apparently…

“It does show some very basic skills we are looking for — like conveying some meaning and some spelling,” said Buckroyd, who works for the Assessment and Qualifications Alliance examinations board. “It shows some nominal skills but no relevance to the task”.

Really?!

| don’t want to be a fool | luther vandross |

a juala* ball tied with twine

a match of skill

a future Oliech?**

a shot for goal

a ball straying across a road

a car unseen

a squeal of tyres

a pair of arms in the air

a scream

a thud

a whimper

a death

a hope that he now sits with his father in heaven

*plastic bags

**Kenyan football star playing in Quatar

Always be solicitous about the welfare of those who share our roads. This is a dedication to a boy who lost his life in an accident on the road near my office earlier today on my way to work. This is his story.

| i don’t wanna be | gavin degraw |

What is your favourite EA party anthem?

So far i am spoilt for choice. What are your selections?

I am feeling Nameless’ Salari. banging track that.

Then how can we dance without Si Lazima To-Do, Nonini and P-Unit.

And even after being bashed three ways to Thursday, Banjuka, DNA, still makes the cut.

I love the composition and arrangement of this one, it is suitably flippant. We at Eleet have it highly recommended!

Do have a blast this weekend!

| boda boda | mad traxx |

rugby |?r?gbi| (also rugby football) noun
a team game played with an oval ball that may be kicked, carried, and passed from hand to hand. Points are scored by grounding the ball behind the opponents’ goal line (thereby scoring a try.

As you might have gathered i was at the Rugby Safari Sevens ‘08 that were on at the RFUEA Grounds this past Sunday. I did have lots of fun and surprised myself to find that i watched a sport for a whole entire day and by the finals between E. Bocks and Kenya [where Kenya trounced the heck out of the poor sods] i was on my feet cheering away much to the consternation of my friends who had accompanied me and had never seen me that enthusiastic about anything!

I assure you that you will not learn a thing about Rugby here since like you, i know absolutely nothing about it further than a burly fellas, who are quite nimble footed and surprisingly sprightly, running towards a top [bar - that word again] less goal posts holding an oddly shaped leather, air filled thingimajig, is a good thing, and it is actually part of the objective of the game.

When they get to the opposite end of the field, to register a score, they are supposed to hop as high into the air as humanely possible and attempt, with mixed results, to make the most painful contact with the ground as they undertake to replace the vegetation on that end of the field with the oddly shaped thingimajig. Passing a ball by lobbing stead of kicking forward is frowned upon. I play basketball, i find that strange since kicking the odd shape in a particular direction is harder than it looks.

Once this is achieved, they proceed to attempt to kick the oddly shaped thing which i shall call a ball, loosely termed of course since i did not make any close encounters with it to ascertain its consistency, its all hearsay at this time, through the posts at the end of the field, their angle of approach being directly correspondent to where you shoved the ball through the turf, this time on your lonesome as the rest of your teammates are already at the centre dee with a second ball kicking off. This i am told is called a conversion. I consulted my dictionary and i still do not see the relationship.

The opposing team, aside from attempting these tries attempt to stop them by charging into them, tripping over, on occasion they will grab impromptu rides on the opposing teams players shoulders, neck head, legs and sundry body parts and grab at clothing, at times ripping it to shreds, and surprisingly this is all entirely encouraged.

I was witness to body slams, fellows weighing in at over one hundred kilos swung like yesterday’s laundry over shoulders or just basically tripped and ngetwad [grabbed and held by the neck, a manoeuvre best achieved from the back]. Piles of players were a rather common occurrence too. I cringed at what that would do to the poor sod at the bottom of it who at the moment between fighting for air and hanging onto the ball he had is hands quite full and would be unable to throw off his opponents.

Oh, one more thing, they still give out cards, red or yellow, in this game, i thought the rougher you are the better you are at it? It indeed is a strange game. In an effort to better understand it, i may return next year to do it all over again, this time hopefully with a “longer” camera to bring you the action right to the point where you can see the untrimmed nose hairs of the players and their five o’clock shadows to their soiled and creased kit.

In other news:

The Kenyan Prime Minister Raila Odinga made an appearance mid afternoon to a standing ovation evidenced by the arms waving about in my frame.

Sideshows are still present in considerable abundance at the games. The scenery is not at all unpleasant to behold either, our nation is greatly blessed with very very very good looking lasses and lads who were dressed to kill, cold weather notwithstanding!

| move bitch | ludacris |

Half the time i had no clue what was going on though, it is a tech forum after all, innit?

Pictures after the jump.

Lots of people in the un-conference. I missed a seat, was hanging outside the window.

Attenshun! What did he just say?

Half a joke? Those are half smiles, from the gents at least, ladies, no? It did not work? Sigh.

LTSP. Yes, i had no clue before i Googled the term. A very good idea that, means less PC’s to administer, more time to Blog, Tweet and chat.

More LTSP….this time with zoom…

Tunataka serikali isikilize. [we want the government to listen] They are listening, according to this dude, that sound ominous, to me at least, but then again i am told i have schizophrenic tendencies, supposedly cured.

The bloggers who have highlighted the event are listed here. Me? I have nothing to add.

In other news:

The Royco activation this morning at that roundabout in Nairobi, Kenya. Fuzzy image due to darkness, it was a few minutes to seven am and i was driving by while shooting.

A lovely day should be had by all, that is an order.

| billie | kanda bongo man |

| take my breath away | berlin |

….even on a Monday such as this with a ton of work to boot! What did you get up to today. And no not in that way! My brains are shot to fuck and i cant think to save my life. If i recover sufficiently to some coherence later tonight, i shall proceed to do posts way overdue about my uncharacteristically busy weekend.

| [i] bring the ruckus | wu-tang clan |

“What? tomorrow you say? REALLY? Could you not have called me earlier today warning me that i should clear my calender and wait for your narrow arses? I just got mine home!”

“Yes, we have this conference starting at 9 am tomorrow in Mombasa and would like the materials to be on the 8 am flight, so we shall require you to rubber stamp it now!”

“Fuck! What are we going to do? Its just not possible, we do not run a photocopying outfit you know.”

“We understand that, but could you just help us out this one time?”

“You said that last week when you had that conference in Nyeri! We do run an authentic rubber stamping operation here for fuck’s sake. It does take a while to do the work you are presenting, do you have the CD?”

“Its on its way, the driver is just about to leave the office.”

“Then what in bloody hell are you doing at MY office? I thought you had the work in question with you!”

“There were a number of last minute changes.”

“Changes? ……. Ignore the question. I am on my way, it had better get there before i do or there shall be hell to pay!”

….3 hours later…1 hour after i had arrived back at the office…

“What happened to the CD? Did your driver get lost or mugged as he made his way here?”

“No, there were a few further changes but he is almost here with the disc now, in fact here he comes now.”

Needless to say the disc had errors and quite a number of hours later we were yet to start the job in question. Is there any wonder half my hair is resident in my keyboard?

**for those who are wondering, we do swear worse in the office, this is the clean version. Then there is this….submissions …..thing at the end of next week that has ensured all my clients have dumped large reams of paper on my desk to be prepared before Monday, its not looking good for Bar Camp! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

| holiday | madonna |