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This post was supposed to feed your readers on Friday. Clearly it did not. Better late than never “they” [those peskily mysterious people, again] say. I was busy getting about as some people i shall not name have challenged me to. I watched Hulk, i am yet to catch Iron man, you huuman, hold your horses, i will get to it.

Ever heard of Mzuri Monday Madness? No? Its a local promotion where for Kshs. 380, you get yourself a movie and 3 course meal. I shall save myself the keystrokes and leave the courses’ discovery for your fine selves. Call me a cheapskate or such but i think value for money. Stretching the shilling and that kind of shit.

In other news:

R. Kelly acquitted!

Kelly dabbed his face with a handkerchief and hugged each of his four attorneys after the verdict — not guilty on all 14 counts — was read. The Grammy award-winning singer had faced 15 years in prison if convicted.

Yes he was, while all sweaty and everything, click on the link and see for yourself if you think my claim to be frivolous. Astounding isn’t it? The sex act was taped sometime in 2002 and the defense managed to drag the trial all the way to mid 2008. There is a lesson in there i think. Make sure the trial is held so many years after the alleged act that the details, thanks to the volatile nature of the human brain, are fuzzy and mostly incomprehensible, i am sure if they held on long enough even the grainy videotape would have been rendered unplayable for reasons of lack of suitable equipment for playback.

DV, super quality; bad, you shall be identifiable, do not use. Grainy VHS, awful quality, unidentifiable subject matter, perfect for purpose. [i leave this to your more than fertile imagination]

“All I heard (from Kelly) while those 14 verdicts were being read was ‘Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus,’” said Sam Adam Jr., one of his attorneys.

Talk to the Dude upstairs, fervently and maybe perhaps offer a plea bargain, he may cut you a deal, it may not be the one you were looking for though, they are offered at his discretion, i understand, working in mysterious ways and all that. Example here at Archers’.

Prosecutors had argued that a video tape mailed to the Chicago Sun-Times in 2002 showed Kelly engaged in graphic sex acts with a girl as young as 13 at the time. Both Kelly, 41, and the now 23-year-old alleged victim had denied they were the ones on the tape. Neither testified during the trial.

…

Jurors said that fact that neither the alleged victim nor her parents testified weakened the prosecution. But the real key was the woman herself: One juror said he just was not sure the female was who prosecutors said she was — or that she was a minor when the tape was made.

I have attempted to do the maths on those ages and i have come to the conclusion. Its a Saturday evening, and i have not had my caffeine fix, i shall peg it on that.

Prosecutors relied in part on a star witness who said she engaged in three-way sex with Kelly and the girl. Defense attorneys labeled that woman an extortionist, claiming she sought hundreds of thousands of dollars from Kelly in exchange for her silence and stole his $20,000 watch at one point.

This gets more intriguing.

In the video, entered into evidence as “People’s Exhibit No. 1,” a man has sex with a young female, who is naked for most of the recording. She is often blank-faced. The man speaks to her in a hushed voice, and she calls him “Daddy.”

In one scene, alluded to in one count of the indictment, the man urinates on the female.

Recall the apartment complex on Ngong Road christened Golden Showers? A pal of mine lived there for a while, absolutely hilarious to include it in running conversation. “So, how were the golden showers last night? Were they warm?” This is followed by lewd, incredibly hearty rib cracking bouts of laughter, by myself, she never really grasped the concept.

The star prosecution witness, Lisa Van Allen, became teary eyed as she told jurors she engaged in several three-way sexual encounters with Kelly and the alleged victim, including once on a basketball court. Kelly videotaped the trysts, she said.

Now, now, now, repeated sexual, showery sexual acts are classified as consensual, their being recorded, with your consent, well if you declined, it would be a good idea to leave and not participate in the act, no?

Van Allen also claimed Kelly used to carry a duffel bag stuffed full of his homemade sex tapes.

R. Kelly has a bevy of bodyguards with him all the time, why would he bother to carry the bag? He would have one of them lug it around, and if this is true, i have searched and i am yet to see a duffel bag accompanying Mr. Kelly or his immediate entourage. Another thing comes to mind, why in fuck would he do that with incriminating evidence? They would be most possibly be resident in his video tape player in his mansion or preferably locked away from the light of day, or artificial lighting, in a Safe behind his portrait in his study.

The defense called several witnesses in a bid to discredit Van Allen, accusing her of trying to extort money from Kelly. Under cross-examination, Van Allen admitted she once stole Kelly’s $20,000 diamond-studded watch from a hotel.

They do not need to try and discredit her. She admitted to stealing from Mr. Kelly, give the lady a break, she can do very well in discrediting herself, shame on you for aiding and abetting.

Do have a lovely week people. Stay out of trouble, especially that of the shower type.

| i am your angel | celine dion & r kelly |

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